04.17.07
Don’t forget to say “please” and “thank you.”
Last night I went out to dinner with a large group of both Chinese and Westerners. Two of the Westerners were a couple who had only been in China for one month. They had been eagerly studying Chinese, and whenever a new dish came out, they would ask one of the Chinese hosts what it was called, and have them write the name down on a piece of paper in both pinyin and characters. After each new word, the couple repeatedly thanked their host with multiple xie xie’s. This excessive thanking would be appropriate, if not expected, in a Western context, but in China it comes off awkward. Why? Because Chinese rarely say “please” and “thank you” (谢谢 and 请) for small tasks when dealing with friends.
This does not mean that Chinese people are rude or lack courtesy. Rather, the usage of these “courtesy” words varies across culture. If you do a small favor for a Chinese friend, chances are (unless he is trying to over-compensate for culture difference) he will not thank you directly. Here is the logic. The two of you are friends. It is only natural for you to help one another out. Thanking is not necessary because helping each other out is what friends do.
Here’s a simple example. Let’s look at a typical exchange from a Western dinner table, compared with a Chinese dinner table.
eating dinner in the West.
Person A: “Would you please pass the potatoes?”
Person B: “Here you go.”
Person A: “Thanks.”
eating dinner in China
Person A: “Give me the potatoes.”
Person B: (passes the potatoes, no response)
The general consensus is that Westerners communicate more directly than Chinese people. However, in this situation, the converse is true. If a Chinese person were to ask 请问你能不能把那个土豆给我一下 (Would you please pass me the potatoes?), to his friend or family member, it would give the impression that the relationship between the two is not strong, thus the need for “over politeness.” In the West, “over politeness” is the default. For us, simply saying “Give me the potatoes” sounds rude.
Saying “thank you” to a close Chinese friend who is not familiar with Western culture will often leave you with a reply like “Why are you thanking me? Are we not good friends?” This can be a difficult linguistic concept for Westerners to grasp, as we are taught from childhood to say “please” and “thank you” for virtually everything. Saying “thank you” after somebody passes you the potatoes is only natural, but for Chinese these “politeness” words are usually reserved for service people, or unfamiliar acquaintances.
When we learn a language, we need to remember that learning the context of words and phrases is just as important as learning their meanings. Just because 谢谢 has the same literal meaning as “thank you” does not mean that it will have the same effect when put into use in a real situation.
