03.04.07

Curious English…Fuzhou’s latest “Western” Restaurant Menu

Posted in Curious English, Food and Drink, Random Goofiness at 11:45 am by Benjamin Ross

There are many people in China who speak English quite well. There are also many who don’t. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your perspective) these are often the people charged with the daunting task of translating menus. Recently a new ‘Western’ style restaurant opened in downtown Fuzhou, and their menu is nothing short of hilarious. Let’s check it out…

Let’s begin with “the shiitake mushroom slippery chicken food.” Literally this means “mushroom slippery chicken rice,” or in more distinguishable terms, mushrooms, chicken, and rice. I still have no idea what “shiitake” is. (Thanks to everyone who wrote in to inform me that shiitike is in fact the correct name for a Japanese mushroom) The next item is actually Yangzhou fried rice, or as it’s known in the West “Yangchow fried rice.” “Yangzhou” is the name of a Chinese city, but the character 州 (zhou) by itself means “state.” For some reason the “authors” of the menu felt the need to directly translate the second character of Yangzhou, but not the first. They also changed “fried” to present tense and thus we get “Yang state fries rice.” I’ve never heard of the third dish, but I’m sure there is a better translation than “the potato pig’s feet young food.” The fourth item is another supposedly Western dish which I haven’t heard of. The characters are directly translated to “west juice beef food,” and below is it’s companion “west juice pork food.” The final item is probably the most ridiculous of the bunch. The first characters are “tai shi” which means “Taiwan style.” Most Chinese characters have multiple meanings, and the “tai” (台) from “Taiwan” also is a word for “table.” Apparently simply calling it “Taiwan style” wouldn’t cut it, so instead we are left with “Table model three cups of chickens food.” I would have left it at “Taiwan style chicken and rice” but that’s just me.

Next we have “The mixed sea food surface.” This mistake is obviously a mistranslation of the character 面 (mian) which in addition to “surface,” also means…ding dong…knock knock…anybody home? McFly?…NOODLES! The next one I’m a little unsure of the Chinese (any help?) but it certainly isn’t how I would normally write “Rice noodles with beef.” But to top it all off, we are left with “Taste to scold the seafood chum salmon young surface.” Sounds a bit threatening to me. Again, apparently in English “surface” and “noodles” are interchangeable.

For some odd reason, the translators of Chinese menus love to take names of dishes and transfigure them into statements in the present tense. This has me completely baffled, as in the Chinese language, there is no concept of tense at all. Go figure.

Here’s “The new aristocrat sandwich,” which is the literal translation for the Chinese characters which also mean……”new aristocrat sandwich.” I’m not sure exactly what this is supposed to imply, nor am I sure how many aristocrats enjoy sandwiches during their fine dining, but at least it’s better than the “Burns the beef sandwich.”

Now we have another ridiculous translation faux pas. The character 日(ri) means “sun.” It also means Japan (日本). The character 本 (ben) coincidentally is also my name in Chinese. Another meaning for 日is “day” or “date.” The second character on the menu item 式 (shi) means “style” or “type.” Hence we get the “Date type eel food,” in lieu of “Japanese style eel with rice.”

And if your eel isn’t keen on the “Date type eel food” why not give him some “Fresh river eel food.” Personally, I buy my eel food at the pet store. It’s much more economical that way, and I’m cheap. Maybe it’s an American thing. Below that we have one of my own personal favorite dishes, curry chicken with rice. Unfortunately, they didn’t even try to translate “curry,” instead they just threw in 咖 (ga) which is half of the Chinese name for “curry,” into the English definition. Oh, and by the way, in addition to eel food, they also have chicken food, pig food, and eggplant food.

For the third item, the translator must have known a thing or two about Western eating habits, which is probably why he simply transliterated “tian ji” rather than translating it into English, which of course would be “frog.”….and if you’re ordering frog, then allow me to recommend some “Fish fragrant eggplant food” to go along with it.

Second from the bottom we have “Steak pork food” yet the Chinese characters mean “BEEF steak rice.” Granted commissary management may not be the most demanding field of expertise, but come on, can’t you at least tell the difference between a cow and a fucking pig? If that wasn’t ambiguous enough, try the “Lucky example pig food (sweet hot sauce).”

Now that we’ve already found food fit for ourselves, our pigs, our chickens, our eels, and our eggplants, it’s time to order something for the little’uns…hence the “child wraping meal.” Is it just me though, or does “The child beefsteak” come across a little suspicious…especially in a country with overpopulation and problems with infanticide? And what about the “child chicken arranges?” What is a “child chicken” and what is he arranging? As for the item on the bottom, the Chinese characters really means Australian style children’s steak. “Sha Langqian” is not how any of those characters are pronounced, and I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean…maybe it’s better we don’t ask.

Here’s another option made specially for aristocrats. This time it’s the “New aristocrat greatly mixed platoon.” And here I was all this time thinking aristocrats only ate “The new aristocrat sandwich” and “Lucky example pig food.” Boy was I wrong!

And last, but certainly not least, we have my own personal favorite, the “Ding bone beefsteak.” I don’t think I even need to mention the explicit innuendo provided here. I’ll leave that to you.

So there you have it. Next time you come to Fuzhou, and want to try out some authentic Western food, give me a call, and I can take you out for some “table model three cups of chicken food” or some “Yang state fries rice.” It’s up to you. The choices are endless.

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02.09.07

Do I really look that much like a terrorist?

Posted in Random Goofiness at 6:28 pm by Benjamin Ross

After several months of constant, agonizing, semi-daily shaving, I’ve decided to regrow my beard. One of the interesting physiological differences between the Chinese and white folk is the Chinese’ dearth of body hair. Most Chinese girls do not even shave their legs, and most Chinese men have little more than a bit of peach fuzz on their faces. Now as any bearded guy (especially those with long hair) knows, back in the US a long, full beard can often become a conversation centerpiece. Of all the great facial hair in American history from Mark Twain to Abraham Lincoln, to Rollie Fingers, the historical figure who most often gets evoked in beard comparisons is none other than Jesus of Nazareth.

However, in a China where the masses have not grown up under the influence of the man who could heal the sick and walk on water, there is another figure who sets the standards for facial hair comparisons. I realized this first on my first Chinese train ride in the summer of 2004 from Xi’an to Chengdu, where when passing numerous passengers I was eagerly greeted with the words “Bean-la-den…BEAN-LA-DEN.” This of course was referring to the man whom President Bush (under the guise of Will Farrell) referred to as his “own personal Where’s Waldo.” That of course would be Osama bin Laden. And the comparisons didn’t stop. As long as I refrained from shaving, I was constantly reminded of my uncanny similarities to the mysterious bearded man who’s face graces our nations wanted posters and urinal cakes.

I did find it interesting, that as an American, people chose to compare me (albeit merely a physical comparison) to probably the most hated man in America for the past 5 years. Afterall, if you knew a Jewish guy with a square moustache and a German accent, would you tell him how much he looked like Hitler, even if he really did look like the Furor? So anyway, go ahead and have a look. I’ll let you be the judge.